One of the things that I have prayed vehemently for since I began my career journey in 2009, which is the same time that I became the parent of a toddler, is patience. Four years later, I am still asking for wisdom, strength, and you guessed it, PATIENCE!
It’s hard for me to not be in control of my future, especially considering how out of control I was in my distant past. This is something that I have identified within myself: control equates to success whereas out-of-control equates to disaster. What I forget is that I can only control myself, not my surroundings. So how to I keep trudging along and holding steadfast to my positivity and dreams when, seemingly, I am encountering nothing but disappointment, rejection, and frustrations? And just where is that patience I have been praying for?!
I want to be a positive force in the classroom, but I feel like I may never have that opportunity considering the ambiguous, and somewhat perilous, state of education. I doubt myself and the choices I have made because I am 30 and I am still working part-time. Yes, I am teaching and am insanely happy, proud, thankful to be doing so…but I want more. I am not satisfied with taking what I can get.
It all boils down to the fact that I really thought that I’d have it all figured out by now…that I’d really have my sh!t together at this point in my life. As it turns out, I am more confused now than I have ever been in my life. Why can’t I have what I want? Why can’t I have it my way?
The honest reality of the situation is something I find myself shyly grappling with: what if my life is destined to be something completely different than what I intended for it to be? What if it’s not patience that I need, but direction? Maybe my internal compass has gone all wonky after the devastating things I experienced in 2009. If it is, how do I fix it? What do I pray for now? Is this settling, or graciously accepting what is for what it is?
I am not an extremely vocal religious person, and I do not attend church regularly. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. However, I do believe in my higher power as well as the power of prayer. I’d like to know what you pray for when your light flickers, yet you refuse to let it go out.